giving up....

He turned off the television….no longer able to make sense of the swimming images in front of him.
Shaking his head to rid it of the strange cobwebs that had settled there, he got up and wandered around the dark apartment.
His body seemed heavier than ever…. Like dragging around a dead weight tied to the ankles…. He knew the weight could be shaken off and the cobwebs cleared…. He had done it before… hypnotizing himself with happy thoughts of times gone by….and fantasies of times to come….
But today was different…. He could feel it….he felt himself loosing the struggle to maintain the façade…even in his own mind…. He was tired of fooling himself.
After a few aimless circuits of all the rooms…. He made up his mind… or more accurately….he simply gave in…to what seemed inevitable
After all, who would blame him? All the justifications were right there, he thought.
Now, after giving up the struggle, he felt more at ease with the mists surrounding his mind……a fog that dimmed out reality settled on him.
“Best if I turn my phone off…. Don’t want anything to spoil the mood” he told himself…. One of his last lucid thoughts… and eager to be gone, at that.
He had what he needed… he always did… and he collected the things together and kept them on the table in front of him…neatly, in order of how he would need to use them….the process seemed natural….like a ritual done hundreds of time….
Peace would finally be his….. It would no longer matter what happened…he smiled as he realized… he simply did not have to care any longer.
The darkness came, creeping over him, giving him the comfort he craved, and he pulled it over him, like a child pulling its security blanket…
He smiled then….and a single tear rolled down one eye….